Monday, August 10, 2009

The Guy on the Bike in Front of Me is Now Standing in Front of Me at Starbucks

Why: Because you do not need to be wearing a blue aerodynamic helmet to order a venti iced coffee

Take off the helmet! We all know you are trying to move as aerodynamically as possible, but are you that worried physics may keep you from your tasty beverage for an additional .000000000000000000000007 seconds? It is a simple two-step process:

1. Elevate arm to chin
2. Take off helmet

Yes, you have two favorite things in life - bikes and spandex - but it is not necessary to continue to prove the point.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Why: If I want to listen to Radiohead, I listen to Radiohead. If I want to listen to a band wishing it was Radiohead, I listen to Coldplay.

Is it Halloween? Seriously...what is with the 19th century French military get-up? You're not French and I doubt the military would even want you. In fact, the costumes do not even look French, but more US circa WWII (a war in which the French managed to do less than your band does). And what is with the pop-ness (yeah, I said pop-ness) of your songs? Does your keyboardist sneak into your studio in the middle of the night and re-write all the songs? Look, get the pen away from Ryan Seacrest and write some real songs - NOT Radiohead meets Timbaland.

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Mouse in My Apartment

Why: Because if he's not helping with rent, he's not staying here.

The current attempt at catching Fievel involves my trash can, peanut butter, foil, and a ramp (into the trash can). This is not a joke. This contraption is currently assembled in my kitchen. Of course, I do think this is more effective than my plan to shame it into leaving by insulting it. It was not pretty. I actually felt the need to apologize for some of the things I said.

Post capture plan: GLADIATOR MICE!! -